#5: Mistaken Identity

How To Take Over The World #5

Mistaken Identity

“'Ello. Reginald Butterfield here, once again bringing you the critically acclaimed show, 'Ow To Take Over The World. It has been over a year since the last episode aired, because we don't really care about our fans. But the BBC said we had to do at least one episode a year, so here we are.”

“Before we get started, lets read some letters from the viewers. We 'ave 'ad literally tens of letters delivered since the last episode aired. Those people are idiots whom we ignore. Meanwhile we 'ave 'ad a few 'undred e-mails. We thought about ignoring those as well, but the people in public relations are bigger idiots then those that are still sending things through the postal service.

“As a result. We have viewer mail. This first one is from A. Stal Ker. Mr. Ker writes 'Please 'ave A. Gorilla on the show again. She is 'ot.'.........Mr. Ker is obviously insane. Or blind. Or possibly both. I'm not even sure if that is possible, but apparently it is.”

“Our next letter is from...A. Ker again. 'E writes 'Why 'aven't you 'ad A. Gorilla on again? If she is not on the show again soon, can I 'ave her phone number and address?'........Do you 'ave any idea the kind of trouble we would get into if we gave out the phone numbers and addresses of our guests? If you want that same information for the people in charge of the BBC, it will appear at the end of the credits.”

“Time for one last letter. This one is from......A. Ker......Listen mate. Leave your parents' basement and find yourself a girl. Or a guy. Either way, get a life. Or at least get your eyes checked. Clearly you 'ave trouble with your eyesight.”
“Now for today's episode. Since it had been so long, we decided to show the episode on 'ow to take over the world through economic names. We 'ad planned to show this episode a while ago, but the the queen decided to 'ave a 'eart attack. I personally thin that she did it just to prevent people from seeing the episode. Fortunately, the judge in the lawsuit that was filed after we decided not to show it originally decided we 'ad no control over that and gave us more time. Unfortunately we 'ave till Christmas to air, so 'ere it is, 'ow to take over the world through economic means.

“We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news.”

“Hello. Scott LeBau here, in the BBC America Studios. We interrupt this program to bring you some breaking news.”

“We have received word that Dr. Phil has been spotted near Oak Hill, Ohio. Dr. Phil has not been seen or heard from since his attack on St Peter, Minnesota. What dastardly plans he has devised in that time is unknown, but it is anyone's guess what evil he is up too this time.”

“We now go live to our eye in the sky. Ed Rogers is on vacation, so we go to Ramsay Gordan, live in Ohio. Ramsey, there seems to be a problem with the feed,so you will have to tell us what is going on. What do you see?”

“Nothing.”

“What do you mean nothing?”

“There seems to be a problem with the camera as well.”

“Do you think this is some plot on Dr. Phil's part?”

“...Nope. The pilot just pointed out that I forgot to turn on the camera.”

“What!?”

“Apparently I forgot to turn it on.”

“I thought you were a professional!”

“In my defense, I'm use to a different camera, with the power button in a different location.”

“.....I suppose that makes sense. But we still aren't getting any video. Are the cables plugged into the transmitter correctly?”

“Of course they are!”

“Did you remember to take the lens cap off?”

“......”

“Ramsey! Are you ok? Did Dr Phil attack?”

“Um, we figured it out. One of the cables to the transmitter was loose. Not the lens cap thing. The lens cap was off the whole time. Definitely not the lens cap still being on the camera.”

“......How did you get this job?”

“No time to discuss that now. I can see Dr Phil now! He's in that field in front of us!”

“Dr Phil has less hair then that.”

“Maybe he got a toupee.”

“That's possible, but what is he doing?”

“It looks like he is...dancing!?”

“Zoom in! Maybe it is some evil dance of...evil!”

“Zooming in now! It seems he has had plastic surgery.”

“......That's Tom Cruise.”

“What?”

“That's not Dr. Phil, it's Tim Cruise.”

“How can you tell?”

“For one he's dancing on a couch that is apparently in the middle of the field for no reason. Two it's Tom Cruise. He is rather recognizable.”

“...You sure? Looks like he might be Dr Phil with a wig.”

“Have you seen Top Gun? Days Of Thunder? Mission Impossible? Lions For Lambs!?”

“Of course I've seen.....I've never even heard of that last one. Are you like an obsessed fan or something?”

“I've never heard of it either. Looked it up on Wikipedia.”

“Did any one see it?”

“I'm guessing not. It's got 28% on Rotten Tomato.”

“That sucks!”

“That it does, but that is still Tom Cruise, not Dr Phil.”

“You sure?”

“Yep.”

“Think I can sell this footage to TMZ?”

“Only if I get a cut.”

“How does 25% sound?”

“35% and you got yourself a deal.”

“Done.”

“Well, that was Ramsey Gordan in Oak Hill, Ohio. You can see the full story on TMZ tomorrow most likely, or on YouTube. Either way, I am Scott Lebau. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

“And as I said last time, now nobody 'as an excuse for not taking over the world. Really, there is no easier way to do it. And after airing this episode twice, the U.N. should be backlogged with people taking over the planet through economic means. “

“I 'ope everyone Tivoed this episode, because this is the last time you will see it. Now that the court order 'as been covered, we will be destroying it. This 'as been Reginald Butterfield, you 'ave been watching 'ow to take over the world, and once again, taking over the world this way is as easy as dancing on a couch.”

#4: Please Recycle

How To Take Over The World #4:
Please Recycle

Subtitles are at the end.

“’ello, Reginald Butterfield ‘ere, and welcome to another episode of ‘ow To Take Over The World, a show that is sure to be ignored by the Emmy nomination committee, simply because we are on the BBC.”

“We had originally planned to air this episode a while ago, but being the evil cruel ‘earted bastards that we are, we decided to wait a bit and air it on Earth Day. After all, the subject of this episode fits perfectly with the tree-‘ugger’s ‘oliday, and we figured we, like so many companies do this time of year, would exploit the wide spread environmental awareness that always seems to manifest among the general populous this time of year.”

“Since our last episode aired, we have received a vast amount of e-mail about it. Surprisingly enough, we have yet to receive any mail through the post office, but we don’t really care. The postal system is ‘orribly obsolete in this digital day and age. Even the royal family agrees, preferring what they say is the fastest method they know of, carrier pigeons. We are expecting a letter from them in about three weeks.”

“As I said, we received a large amount of mail about our last episode. Let’s read some, shall we?”

“All right. Our first letter is from a chap named Steve S Stevenson. Sounds rather redundant. Anyways, Steve S. Stevenson writes ‘ow dare you destroy the only copy of your last episode. Now we will never know ‘ow to take over the world through economic means. I ‘ate you and ‘ope you die.’”

“Well Steve S. Stevenson, I am glad you like the show, we’ll send you a shirt or something. Next question. From anonymous. ‘Why did you replace “Fun With Fungus with this stupid show. It sucks, and Reginald is an idiot.’”

“Well anonymous, glad to hear you like the show as well. I was told we could send you the keys to a brand new Jaguar, but since you didn’t leave your name or address, we can’t. Looks like I get to keep it.”

“Time for one more. This one is from some bloke named Bob. No last name, that’s odd. Lets see. Bob says “Are you interested in natural male en…I’m sorry. Seems the producers of this show printed some junk mail by accident. We’ll ‘ave to fire them or ‘ave them executed or something. Maybe film it for a future episode.”

“On today’s show we are going to talk about recycling. In today’s eco-friendly namby-pamby tree ‘ugging world, all would be global dictators need to consider the three R’s; Reuse, Reduce, Recycle. After all, what is the point of ruling the planet if it is a polluted toxic waste dump.”

“Before we get to the show, I would like to introduce our guests. First, we ‘ave 11 time Grammy award winning musician Bob Dylan. Thank you for being on the show Bob.”

“Mno pmroblm mamn.*”

“…I ‘ave no idea what you just said. Our next guest is the Prince Of Darkness and Great Britain’s own Ozzy Osbourne, Ozzy, thank you for being on the show.”

“Wohs eht no em gniva’ rof sknaht. **”

“…Was that even English? Regardless welcome to the show. Were the Dove chocolates to you liking Mr. Osbourne?”

“Etalocohc dias uoy. Tiaw ho…Gniod saw ]peeb[ eht I thaw wonk t’ndid I. Emit eht ta hgi’ ylbidercni saw I. Pu ]peeb[ eht thus.***”

“…Still have no idea what you are saying. So I’m going to as Bob the first question. Mr. Dylan, Can you give us some advice on how we can recycle?”

“Myes I Camn. Thme easmiest wamy tmo stamrt remcyclming ims tmo sepmaramte evmery thming inmto difmferemnt bimns. Thmat wilml makme imt easmier fmor tmhem tmo promcess imt amt tmhe remcyclming cemnter.*^”

“That was absolutely no help at all. Mr. Osbourne, do you have any advice?”

“Ti fo erac doog ekat stel os. Elihw a su tsal ot sa’ ti. Eva’ ew tenalp ylno eht si siht, rebmemer. Elcycer ot sseinapmoc egaruocne ot slairetam delcycer morf edam smeti yub dna. Retnec gnilcycer eht ot meht gnikat erofeb slairertam elbalcycer lla esnir ouy erus ekam. Sey.^”

“All right, that is enough! I can’t understand a bloody thing the two of you are babbling on about! And why the ‘ell are the two of you ‘ear anyways? I could understand if Bono or one of those other tree-‘ugging musicians were ‘ere, but I ‘ave never ‘eard either of you say a single word regarding the environment. Not only do you ‘ave no reason to be ‘ere, what is wrong with your voices? No one has ever been able to understand what Bob is saying, but hat about you Ozzy? Why is it that even after a stroke, it is easier to understand you when you are singing then when you are talking?”

“Kaes I yaw eht tuoba evitisnes yrev m’I. Ecin t’nsaw that!^*”

“Yemah mamn. Thmat wmas uncmalled fmor.^**”

“AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!! Both of you OUT! Get out of my studio NOW!”

“Im’m oumt omf hemre. I stimll gmet paimd thomugh rigmht?^***”

“Sihs refter na I tespu wo’ wohs ot dne eht ta ecaf ynworf a edulcni ebyam dna. Detaert saw I yaw eht etaicerppa ton did I taht gniyas rettal truc rehtar a dnes lliw I daetsin. Llew saedur eb dluow taht tub, wohs eht no em gniva’ rof uoy knaht a dnes or ton detpmet tsomls ma I. Edur wo’.^*^”

“Sigh. Finally. If I had to sit through another minute of those two babbling incoherently I would ‘ave called in Samuel L Jackson. Now on to our next guest…is this correct? It is? Ok. Our next guest is A. Gorilla.”

“Thank you for having me on the show.”

“Thank you for coming on the show, and for speaking English.”

“Hahaha. No problem. It the language I’ve been speaking since I was born.”

“Ms. Gorilla. Do you mind if I call you by you’re first name?”

“No. Go ahead.”

“All right, what is it? Ann perhaps? Abigail?”

“Arthur.”

“…Your first name is Arthur?”

“Yes.”

“…You are aware that Arthur is a boy’s name, right?”

“Yes.”

“So just to make sure I understand this, you a female with a male’s name.”

“Yes.”

“Were you’re parents ‘ippies by any chance?”

“They were. Why?”

“No reason. It explains a lot really. They must ‘ave been 'aving a conversation with Miss Mary Jane when they decided it was a good idea to name their daughter Arthur. I’m guessing that also explains why they changed their last name to Gorilla.”

“No, our family name has always been Gorilla. For at least one hundred years.”

“And that just verifies what I just said. Obviously they were investing in some Wacky Tobacky when they decided not only to give you a boy’s name, but also one that starts with an A. Please tell me you don’t ‘ave any siblings who’s lives have been affected by the drug addled brains of the people that spawned you.”

“Actually I have a brother.”

“And what, prey tell, is his name? Heather? Sara?”

“Beatrice.”

“Oh that makes perfect sense now doesn’t it! Lets give our son a girl’s name! And since we gave one child a name starting with AA, lets pick one starting with B for the next one!”

“Actually that is how they decided to name him Beatrice.”

“…Just so I ‘ave this clear, you’re parents, who’s parenting skill are obviously questionable, named their daughter Arthur and their son Beatrice?”

”Yes, but that was before Bea had his operation.”

“So your brother named Beatrice is now your sister named Beatrice?”

“No.”

“What do you mean no! What other option is there?”

“After the operation, Bea changed his name.”

“I suppose that makes sense. Don’t see too many Beatrice’s running around. Changed it to something a little more modern did she? Brandy perhaps. Or maybe Betty. Possibly Bobbie?”

“Bernard.”

“…He…sorry, I mean she, changer her name t Bernard?”

“Yes”

“So your brother, who was named Beatrice, is now your sister named Bernard?”

“That’s right.”

“…Yours ‘as go to be one of the most messed up families I ‘ave ever seen! ‘ow did either of you not get the tar beaten out of you during school?”

“I don’t really see what this has to do with recycling.”

“I am truly sorry. It’s just that the sheer amount of stupidity shown by your parents distracted me from the subject at ‘and. You are a respected authority on conservation after all, so can you give out viewers any advice on recycling?”

“Yes. They should recycle more.”

“…That’s it? Recycle more? That’s the best you could come up with?”

“Well Bob and Ozzy gave the advice I was going to give.”

“You understood them? No one understands Bob Dylan, and ‘ow did you understand Ozzy Osbourne? I’m British and I couldn’t understand ‘im!”

“What does being British have to do with understanding what he said?”

“Because the air in Great Britain effects our genetics, rendering us incapable of pronouncing the letter H. As a result it can be rather ‘ard to understand what we are saying, so we become good at understanding incomprehensible speech, but I don’t think ‘e was even speaking English!”

“Well that’s all I have prepared.”

“Could you at least give us some recycling advice that would benefit people trying to take over the world? After all, that is the point of this show.”

“Actually I do. Remember to melt down any robots that are destroyed fighting secret agents. It might cost a bit more in man power, but the savings in production cost will more then make up for it, you will be reducing the amount of discarded robot parts in the land fills, and you will be helping the planet because less pollutants will be used to gather the materials that go into the creation of robots, which will protect the planet.”

“…I think that is actually the first bit of good advice given by an expert on this show. Thank your for being ‘ere Ms. Gorilla.”

“It was my pleasure Reginald.”

“That’s all the time we ‘ave tonight, but before I go, remember the words of someone who may or may not be famous. “May the doves of peace fill the air as we all o our part to protect the earth. Good night.”



* No Problem man.
** Thanks For 'aving me on the show.
*** Shut the [beep] up. I was incredibly ‘igh at the time. I didn’t know what the [beep] I was doing…Oh wait. You said chocolate.
*^ Yes I an. The easiest way to start recycling is to separate everything into different bins. That will make it easier for them to process it at the recycling center.
^ Yes. Make sure you rinse all recyclable materials before taking them to the recycling center. And buy items made from recycled materials to encourage companies to recycle. Remember, this is the only planet we ‘ave. It ‘as to last us a while, so lets take good care of it.
^* That wasn’t nice. I’m very sensitive about the way I speak.
^** Yeah man. That was uncalled for.
^*** I’m out of here. I still get paid though right?
^*^ 'ow rude. I am almost tempted not to send a thank you for ‘aving me on the show, but that would be rude as well. Instead I will send a rather curt letter saying that I did not appreciate the way I was treated. And maybe include a frowny face at the end to show ‘ow upset I am after this.

#3: Breaking News

How To Take Over The World #3:
Breaking News

“’ello. Reginald Butterfield ‘ere with another installment of ‘ow To Take Over The World. A show that ‘as broken all ratings records it’s time slot. It has even done better then the British Farm Network’s nightly broadcast.”

“In the first installment, we said that the next episode would be about ‘ow to take over the world through economic means. We ‘ad all of the research done, the script for the show was completed. There was even a rather cute dance number in which psychotic midget trolls tore their limbs off and beat each other to death with them as the Austrian boys choir sang a stirring rendition of Tears Of ‘eaven by Eric Clapton while gargling with sulfuric acid.”

“Unfortunately for all of our viewers, we decided to run a show that ‘ad nothing to do with taking over the world through economic means. Instead we did a show about ‘ow to get and keep a date, while still attempting to take over the planet. Some people were a bit upset by this and sent rather angry letters and e-mail to us. We replied with either a box of doggie doo, a squirrel that ‘ad been dead for exactly seventy-two point three ‘ours, or in the case of e-mails a virus which would replace every file on their computers with nude photos of Rush Limbaugh.”

“That is when the lawyers got involved."

“So, in order to avoid additional lawsuits, as well as to up ‘old a court ruling which states that we must present the episode in it’s entirety or face being called naughty names by the pope, we now present ‘ow To Take Over The World through economic means. Ready your various recording devices, and get ready to learn the easiest way to conquer the plant.”

“We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news.”

“Hello. Nigel Pickles here, with a breaking news story. We have received word that the Queen is in the hospital following a near fatal heart attack. While details are still sketchy, we have received word that there is video footage of the heart attack as it happened. I warn you that this may be disturbing footage.”



“Ok. It seems that we are unable to show the footage for some reason. We will try to fix the problem, but in the mean time, allow me to describe what I see on my screen. The queen was about the night Samuel L Jackson for doing the world a favor and killing Dr. Phil. As is well known, it is a rare event indeed when someone who is not British gets made a full knight, and not an honorary one.”

“Just as she finished knighting him, a man long haired man wearing a trench coat stumbled into the ceremony. Obviously drunk, he then proceeded to lift up the back of his coat and lower his trousers, mooning everybody in the room. That is when the queen clutched her chest and fell to the floor.”

“This just in, it seems that there is a press conference about to start. We now go live to Buckingham Palace.”

“We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news.”

“Hello. Scott Lebau here, in the BBC America studios. We interrupt this program for some late breaking news.”

We are getting reports of a situation taking place at a Kentucky Fried Chicken in St. Peter, Minnesota. We now go live to our eye in the sky, Ed Rogers. Ed, What is going on?”

“Scott, we still haven’t received all the details, but the local police, swat team, and several national guards men with takes are parked in the parking lot of the local KFC. What we do know is that Oprah Winfery is in side. It seems that she has eaten three buckets of original recipe, three of extra crispy, 6 pounds of popcorn chicken, and a small Diet Coke.”

“Why Diet Coke?”

“It seems she likes the taste better. I think a better question after all that food is why a small.”

“Do we know why she went on this eating spree? Did her and Stedman have a fight or something?”

“I don’t know. As I said, the authorities have yet to release all the details.”

“Can you try to get a closer look, maybe aim the camera through the main window?”

“We’ll try. A little lower. There’s Orpah. Looks like she has…yes she has a bucket of original recipe. That makes it four buckets of original recipe.”

“That’s great, but it doesn’t tell us anything.”

“Hold on. We’ll try to get lower. Wait. Is that…? It is! Oh My God is! God help us all he is back! The man sitting across from Oprah Winfrey is…………………”

“Who is it Ed? We’ve lost the feed. Who is it!?”

“………..”

“Ladies and gentlemen, we can only guess what has happened in St Peter, but to see someone like Ed Rogers panic like that, it must be horrifying indeed. I watched as this man accepted an assignment to cover a Spice Girls/Hanson concert without flinching, not caring about the horrors he would be exposed to, only interested in covering the news. To see him react like that is ample reason for concern.”

“All right, sorry about that Scott. Some technical difficulties.”

“That’s alright Ed. We don’t have video yet. What do you see?”

“Hold on. I have to plug a cable back in.”

“Dear lord it’s him! But how? He’s dead! We all saw him die!”

“That may be, but a picture paints a thousand words, and this picture is clear indeed. Dr. Phil is alive!”

“A stunned silence has fallen over the studio at the revelation that Dr. Phil is in fact alive. But how could he be? We all saw him die. Samuel L Jackson decapitated him. How could he be alive?”

“I don’t know, but there he is, alive and well and drinking what looks to be a bottle of Mountain Dew.”

“At least that explains the military presence outside the building.”

“Hold on a second Scott. Something is happening. Oprah seems to be growing!”

“Well she has had some well documented weight problems, and after all that chicken I’m not surprised she gained a few pounds.”

“I’m not talking about getting fat, I mean physically growing! She has already destroyed the booth she was sitting at. The ceiling is too low, and she is doubled over as she continues to grow.”

“How are the police and military?”

“They have taken aim, but I don’t think they will be able to stop her, even with the tanks. She already destroyed the building, and Dr. Phil is standing there laughing manically.”

“Why isn’t he running?”

“I don’t know, but as evil as he is, I wouldn’t put it past him to have some how caused this. Oprah is walking down the street, and…GOOD LORD NO! OH THE HUMANITY!”
“We’ve lost the video feed again Ed, What’s happening?”

“She just breathed fire upon several of the officers firing at her. They are lying on the ground writhing in pain. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“It seems she ate some buffalo wings as well. What’s happening now Ed?”

“She seems to have stopped growing at approximately fifty feet tall, She is crushing police cars under her feet. Bullets are bouncing off of her, and the tank shells barely seem to faze her. She just smashed one of the tanks and…Wait. She just yawned. Could it be?”

“What Ed? What could it be?”

“Yes! It is! She is getting tired! All that food is finally taking effect! She just passed out, crushing two tanks beneath her. Some soldiers and officers are surely being crushed as she slowly resumes her original size, but the important part is her reign of terror is over.”

“And what about Dr. Phil? Any sign of him?”

“No. He must have fled the scene in the confusion.”

“Darn. Keep us informed about what happens Ed.”

“Don’t worry Scott. We’ll stay right here as long as we can.”

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program, already in progress.

“For those just joining us, the Queen had a near fatal heart attack earlier today and just moments ago regained consciousness. She had this to say.”

“Tulips taste good wrapped in sheet metal and braised in puppy dog tails.”

“Officials have stated that the queen’s statement was the result of large levels of pain medication, and not a hidden call to arms for secret armies around the world as some would like to believe. The appearance of said secret armies around the world gathering their forces is merely a coincidence, due to a convention for secret armies gathering to conquer the world, and not a veiled message to some secret organization from the queen.”

“We will bring you more on this developing story as it happens. The story about the queen that is, not the secret armies.”

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program, already in progress.

“See. Now wasn’t that easy. Now nobody ‘as any excuse for not taking over the world.”

“I ‘ope you ‘ave enjoyed this episode of ‘ow To Take Over The World, because it is my understanding that the footage from this installment will be destroyed as soon as we go off the air, never to be shown again.”

“I am Reginald Butterfield, this ‘as been ‘ow To Take Over The World, and may the good Lord watch over the royal family, keeping them safe from all ailment including, but not limited to, ‘eart attacks. God save the Queen.”

#2: Dating and World Domination

How To Take Over The World #2:
Dating and World Domination

“‘Ello. Reginald Butterfield, brining you another installment in our sure to be award winning series on ‘ow to take over the world. Last time, we said that this would be a daily series, but after the first part aired, we decided to be a bunch of cruel ‘earted bastards and create new installments whenever we bloody well felt like it. That type of cruelty is required if one wants to be truly evil. I’m not talking evil as in Adolph ‘itler or Saddam ‘ussien, I’m talking about comic book super villian Saturday morning cartoon evil, which is far more demented than anything those bastards could ever come up with.”

“We originally planned on doing this installment on 'ow to take over the world through economic means, but instead we decided to answer a question several people have asked since the first part aired.”

“With Valentine’s Day rapidly approaching, thousands of would be megalomaniacs will spend the night the same way they spend every night. Sitting in their parent’s basement surfing the Sportsman’s for porn, but it doesn’t have to be that way, there is still hope for even these pathetic beings.”

“With us today the world famous Dr. Phil, Doctor, welcome to the show.”
“I’m happy to be here.”

“Also with us tonight is a man known to all as one bad mother…”
“Shut your mouth.”

“I’m just talking about Samuel L. Jackson.”

“I can dig it.”

“Welcome to the show Samuel.”

“Glad to be here Reggie.”

“Now Doctor, would you be so kind as to explain why the average megalomaniac can’t get a date?”

“Certainly. The reason is because…”

Bezshzshzshzshzshzsh
“AARRGGHH!!”

“Samuel L Jackson!? Where did you get a lightsaber!? Oh, and why did you kill Dr. Phil?”

“George Lucas gave them to us after we finished filming Revenge Of The Sith. Everyone in the main cast for both Trilogies got them.”

”But I thought they were just props and special effects?”

“They were. We weren’t stupid enough to use the real ones while filming.”

“Hmmm. Good point. Well, thank you for doing what we ‘ave all dreamed of; kill Dr. Phil.”

“No problem. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go make a movie.”

“Not at all. Thank you Samuel. Now, as the cleaning crew disposes of the body, I would like to introduce our second guest, Dr. Phil! Not another one!!!!!! Oh wait. This is Dr. Philip Boogershitte. Thank you for joining us “

“Da, it is my pleasure to be here, but my name is pronounced Boogerschmidt.”
“Are you sure? My notes say Boogershitte.”

“Da, I think I know vhat my own name is.”

“True. Someone must have made a bit of a Jaffa. Anyways, Dr Boogershitte…sorry. Boogerschmidt. Could you please explain why so many megalomaniacs can not get a date.”

“Da. I could explain vhy so many megalomaniacs can’t get a date.”
“Excellent. Wait. Schmidt is a German name, but you are Russian. Was one of your parents German?”

“Sigh. Look. Ya want to know the truth? I’m from Brooklyn, ok? Problem is, most people don’t trust a therapist with a Brooklyn accent. Since everyone else, even my own brother uses a German accent, I decided to use a Russian one ta kinda set myself apart from the rest of the crowd. Ya got a problem with that?”
“Not at all. Now, could you please give us some advice to help would be dictators get n After Eight?”

“Sure. Ya see, the reason they can’t get a date is because they advertise in personnel ads and tell their dates right away that they want to take over the world. Most women don’t like that. They hear that their date wants to conquer the planet and they’re either intimidated or think that the guy might not have time for her, which is a bad “

“An excellent point, but is there anything that can be done? After all, most would be dictators are notorious for being egotistical.”

“Yeah, there’s lots of stuff they can do, but my advice is to just wait before dropping that on a girl. GO out on a few dates with her, get to know here, and after about 4 or 5 dates, say ‘hey baby. I want to take over the planet.’ By that point she already knows if she wants to break up with you anyways, so it won’t mess anything up. Kinda play it by ear, and if you think she won’t be able to handle it, then wait a while longer.”

“Excellent advice Dr Boogerschmidt.”

“No problem Reggie. And if the guy is lucky, his girl will want to take over the world too.”

“One can only hope to be that lucky. Well, that’s all the time we have for tonight. I would like to thank our guests, Samuel L. Jackson and Dr. Philip Boogerschmidt. Make sure to tune in whenever ‘ell we feel like posting a new part of ‘ow To Take Over The World. Now if you will excuse me, I must help search for Dr Phil’s head. Good night, and, ummm, May The Force Be With You.

#1: The Rules

How To Take Over The World #1:
The Rules

‘ello. Reginald Butterfield here, field correspondent for the BBC. Over the years we ‘ave received numerous letters from viewers on the subject of world domination. We ‘ere at the BBC felt that it was our duty to explain how exactly to take over the world. That is why we ‘ave teamed up with Jefferson Pharmaceuticals, makers of Get The Cork anti-diarrihal medicine, Can’t Go laxatives, Little Jimmies first nuclear reactor with real weapons grade plutonium, and of course Mommy’s Best Cake Mixes. Remember, if it doesn’t say Mommy’s Best, Mommy didn’t make it.

Tonight we will explore the procedure required to take over the world. In future installments we will explore various types of world domination, ‘ave a butcher’s at different ways of taking over the world, and talk with some people who have actually succeeded.

As we all know, the UN is the authority by which all would be megalomaniacs must answer to. After all, they ‘ave their own plans for world domination and are nice enough to let others try to take over the world before they do. Therefore everyone must receive permission from the UN before attempting to take over the world.
In order to receive permission, you must first decide what type of world domination you want to try. There are three main ways; through military power, economic power, and through secret societies. We will explore these in depth later.

After deciding what type you want to attempt, you must develop a plan detailing things such where your funding comes from, what your army will be made up of, how long it will take, and how you plan on being defeated. After presenting your proposal, in triplicate of course, to the UN, they will put you on a waiting list. When it is your turn, you will hopefully have everything in place to start taking over the world.

The main obstacle most people run into is financial problems, but our sponsors, Jefferson Pharmaceuticals, will gladly donate necessary amount.

Now you know ‘ow to gain permission to take over the world. Please join us tomorrow night when we will ‘ave a butcher’s at the most simplistic form of world domination, economic domination.